Foreign Lands Roundup

I mean, I've only missed like two weeks now. Meh. It's been a pretty busy two weeks for me. And it's been a pretty busy two weeks for the international community, so let's talk about the thing that's been on everyone's mind: WIKILEAKS!

::cue dramatic music::

I have, as you were probably desperately hoping, Some Thoughts on this whole Wikileaks business.First, though, some background: As we've been aware for some time, a while back, Pfc Bradley Manning managed to obtain and then release confidential information that included details about the Iraq and Afghanistan wars, as well as a series of about 250,000 diplomatic cables from members of the US Foreign Service. The contents of the cables varies, but most are fairly frank assessments of personalities and situations abroad (which make them of particular interest to me).

Here's one of the most fun things about these cables: as of yet, none of them have been particularly revelatory. Anyone with half a brain could have deduced from afar the "batman and robin relationship" between Putin and Medvedev, or the fact that Silvio Berlusconi is generally disgusting. That China would welcome a unified Korean peninsula and that many arab states are concerned about Iran came as a mild surprise (if only to have those things confirmed), but really are more damaging to those states' abilities to contain the Iranian and North Korean regimes (which were tenuous at best to begin with).

Many people are understandably upset about this. They (including the heads of state and foreign secretaries of many nations such as the US) have come out and condemned Julian Assange and his Shadowy Organization, S.P.E.C.T.R.E Wikileaks as giving aid and comfort to America's enemies or whatever. On the polar opposite end of the spectrum, many are heralding Assange as a freedom fighter, persevering for the cause of truth and transparency in government.

Both of these reactions are pretty much bullshit. Wikileaks will cause serious problems for US diplomats abroad, yes, though the extent to which lives are greatly endangered is unclear. What's most problematic is the leaks (and the subsequent hurrahs for freedom of information) fails to understand a key facet of diplomacy: tact. Here's the thing. Berlusconi, Sarkozy, Ahmedinejad, Putin and EVERY OTHER WORLD LEADER are not complete idiots. You don't run a country by being a total moron who doesn't have some idea of how you're perceived by the outside world. Berlusconi not only knows he's seen as a manwhore, he REVELS in it. Same goes for most of the other leaders - they really do know just what we think of them. But the thing about diplomacy is, if you go around telling everybody exactly what you think about them, you're not going to get anywhere.

But I guess that's why some people are Anonymous. Real Connections with Real People are just too impossible for the tactless.

Just as they're not some torpedo in the side of US foreign policy, neither are the leaks some great victory of free speech and transparency. Ultimately, we have to ask ourselves: what is gained by the release of these cables? The answer is: absolutely nothing, other than a re-confirmation that the United States Government is very much run by the people. Diplomats: they're just like us! What do we lose? Well ultimately it's a little harder in the short term for the diplomats to do what they need  to do...so really it's kind of a wash. It seems to me that Mr. Assange and his organization decided to release a bunch of cables that are mostly needling annoyances in the side of the US, because they...I dunno? They just like doing things to be obnoxious? Which, really, is the worst, stupidest reason to do anything. "I'm bored. OH I KNOW WHAT I CAN DO! I'll be obnoxious!" It's basically tantamount to revealing the end of a Nicholas Sparks NovelMovie starring Rachel McMoore-Hathaway and Some Hot Dude With Abs - any idiot with half a brain could have seen it coming, but if you were looking forward to enjoying the movie (which I guess some people do?), it's kind of annoying to know what's coming before the opening credits rule.

So here's the deal, Assange: find us some information of real consequence that's been hidden from us and then we can talk about you as a free speech champion. But until then, you're just a high school philosopher, bothering everyone with his pseudo-intellectual crusades. BYE.

And now some other things that happened last week:

Laurent Gbagbo, who did not win. Despite what he'll tell you.

• In the Ivory Coast, a once lovely and stable country in West Africa (like back in the 90s), there was an election between the incumbent Laurent Gbagbo and Alassane Ouattara. Voting fell mostly along the division lines of the civil war (which ended a few years back), to the surprise of absolutely no one. What was shocking, to the Gbagbo camp at least, was the end result: it seemed that Ouattara had won the runoff vote by about 9 points. "Not so!" claimed the Constitutional Council, who can apparently do these things. The Constitutional Council then decided that Gbagbo would get to serve as president some more, for funsies or whatever. Now everyone is all upset, and the African Union doesn't recognize Gbagbo as president, and no one really does and now people are like "umm dude you should probs leave or whatever, k? great." and Gbagbo is all like "STFU haters!" Now the US, the EU, and the UN are like "dude you are illegit!" And it's all messed up. Poor Ivory Coast...great job, French Colonialism! [France24]

I can't believe they let Camilla ride in this.

• The British students are revolting! I mean, have you ever eaten with them?? HA HA I AM JUST KIDDING BRITISH STUDENTS ARE OFTEN VERY PLEASANT HUMANS (well, insofar as college students can be pleasant humans). No but seriously, the Parliament decided last week to raise tuition fees for British university students (doing so in a way that would be met with cries of SOCIALST NAZI ISLAMOFACISTS from the current GOP in the US). The students, who had likely been planning on paying a significantly smaller amount of money for university, got rull upset and decided the best person on whom to take this would would be the powerless figurehead Prince Charles and his skanky companion, Camilla. Or more specifically, on their car. Prince Charles seemed nervous, but then he always seems nervous. Camilla continued to emit stank lines from her person. So...10 points to Ravenclaw? [BBC News]

Lisbeth Salander did not do this. Because she is fictional. Probably.

• Sweden has been feeling left out lately, guys! With their continued low rankings on the governmental corruption lists, high standards of living, relative unharm in the recent global economic crisis, and complete lack of terrorism, Sweden lately has been feeling like a wallflower at a junior high dance. But not anymore! Why, just this weekend, Sweden managed to get their efficient, stylish, DIY hands on some of that sweet sweet terrorisms the western countries just love love love so much. Finally! Sweden was rocked as two blasts hit Stockholm (that's the capital of Sweden, nerds) and were apparently unconnected to Lisbeth Salander. But hooray! Now Sweden can have their very own Terrorisms Histeria! Congrats, guys! [Reuters]

Oh good lord he's actually updating on time! Foreign Lands Roundup

OMG THIS IS THE MOST SHOCKING THING EVER! An on-time blog post? What even is that? Clearly I need some kadooz (thanks, Ramona from Real Housewives of NYC) for this.

Oh also, this week I will be on vacation at the beach. Without a laptop. So you all will have to follow the foreign lands on your own. DEAL WITH IT.

This is the face of a modern chic, inexpensive, DIY bedroom set Neo-Nazi party

• Dear Europe, You no longer get to say a damn word to the United States about race relations. The surge of far-right parties whose roots go back to the most exciting neo-Nazi movements the world has seen really just confirms what everyone's been thinking since you decided to colonize everywhere: you're just as racist as everyone else. Oh sure, you can pretend that you're no longer a "neo-Nazi" party, but when your platform consists entirely of race-baiting anti-muslinism (and for clarification, the Republicans in the States have many other planks in their party platform, that's just one of many), GUESS WHAT. THAT'S RACIST. So thanks, Sweden (and Germany, and the Netherlands, and Belgium, and France, and the UK...) for just coming out and admitting it. It's good that you, too, Sweden can elect these racist assholes to public office so that they can put their ethnic cleansing plans (and yes, the expulsion of an entire religion amounts to as much, see Bosnia 1995) into effect. So now Sweden is good for two things: cheap chic DIY furniture and terrifying neo-Nazi politicians. [BBC News]

This is from Guinea. It is a country in Africa. Allegedly.

• Guinea, one of the sad, unknown countries in west Africa, had a presidential election a couple months ago. As this seems to be the new hot trend for elections, no one person won a majority. However, unlike several other, more ridiculous developed nations (looking at you, Australia, Great Britain, and Sweden!) Guinea decided to do the sane thing and head to a runoff. I don't think, though, that "runoff" was properly explained to the people in charge in Guinea, as they seem to think it means "prolonging the election indefinitely." This is not American politics, people! Elections begin and end at a specified time, and if you have to have a runoff, you do it in a timely manner! We do have to cut them some slack, though - it was their first democratic elections since independence from France in 1958 (way to go, deGaulle), so it's understandable that they're a little confused. Now someone just hold their hand (again, preferably someone with experience in having sane, successful elections...Spain, maybe? Ireland? has that even happened before?) and walk them through the second round of voting and we can all be on our merry way, chalking up yet another African success story. Hooray! [France24]

Sorry guys, but I'm totally phoning this one. Some other stuff happened this week, like Nigerian election season kicking off, a deadly train crash in India, and something about Mexico, I think...but I'm just too checked out. I'm leaving for vacation in an hour, so these are all you get this week. Tell you what, though: if you're good, and promise to eat all your vegetables AND three bites of kimchi, I'll try to do another one on Monday PLUS trip updates next week. So be good everyone! OR ELSE.