Oh HELL no! I did NOT leave the South Side for this!

Please pretend there is a screencap of Tim Meadows in Mean Girls pulling a fire alarm and saying "Oh HELL no! I did not leave the southside for this!" here.

Last Tuesday was...a day. I don't know if there was something in the Coco Puffs (or rather, kimchi and rice) that the kids ate for breakfast, but they were actin' like they had lost their damn minds yesterday! At first I thought it was just me...I was a little grumpy, over tired, feeling sick, and generally having one of those "But I'm not even supposed to BE here!" mornings. According to many of my other teacher friends, though, it wasn't just me...it seemed to be a Korea-wide phenomenon. Perhaps there is something significant about October 14th that I'm missing.

The morning started off like most crazy mornings, with me trying to teach students who CLEARLY do not want to learn. Which, btw, is just the greatest feeling ever. I officially apologize to every teacher I ever had in the past for being a jerk in class. It is NOT fun from the other end. There was shouting and playing and general dicking around going on in most of the lessons, but it was the period of time before my 4th period class was to start that really made me just give up on the day.

A couple of boys were roughhousing, as they do, and generally seemed to be walking that line between fun and actual fighting that I've managed to tune out over the last seven months. Because that's just how it is here. Then all of a sudden, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that one of the boys was really struggling and that the noise coming from the two of them had been cut in half. I looked over and one of the boys had the other boy (who, incidentally, is my favorite student, Goatcheese) in a headlock. Fairly standard practice. But then I saw that Goatcheese was flailing his hands, trying to get out of the head lock. His eyes were bugged out, and he was CLEARLY NOT BREATHING. I was like oh HELL no and took the agressor kid over to my coteacher and told her what was happening. She said something in Korean, the kid nodded, and went to take his seat, and we started class.

And that was it. If I hadn't looked over, or if they were in the hallway or on the playground, this kid could have DIED (or at least passed out), and no one would have said a thing. I don't understand it...this is exactly why you have to watch children! I get it, boys rough house. It's a thing. BUT STRANGLING IS NOT OKAY. PEOPLE. TEACH YOUR CHILDREN NOT TO MURDER OTHER CHILDREN. Good lord!

WARNING RANTY VENTING POST AHEAD

 

 Alright. That's it. I have had it up to HERE with this school. My elementary school has got to be one of the most ridiculous places on the PLANET. I am absolutely sick of this! "Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh," I am sure you are saying to yourselves, "here he goes again! Whine whine whine, bitch bitch bitch. At least you have a job, loser!"

WHATEVER DO NOT GUILT ME OUT OF MY FEELINGS.

Let me tell you what's been going on since school started up again a couple weeks ago. I was looking forward to this semester; I had been promised fewer afterschool classes to teach, and I would not be teaching the youngest students (grade 1 and 2). I was excited! I thought, "Man! I've got this teaching thing down! I think this is gonna be a good semester!"

And then, to borrow a line from Julia Sweeney, God said "Ha!"

I got my schedule for this semester last Friday. This semester, I will actually be getting paid overtime, which is definitely a plus. But the work I am doing for this over time makes me want to kill myself. Or more accurately, it makes me want to kill this school. I have to teach 11 after school classes - up from seven last semester - four of which consist PRIMARILY of 1st and 2nd graders. Remember? The ones I wasn't going to have to teach this semester?

JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL.

What's worse is that, in these classes, I teach alone. No other person there to help with translation issues, should they arise. Add to that, I was told by my school to go out and purchase (personal copies of) textbooks for these classes, to be assigned to the students. Not a single student had any clue that they needed a textbook for the class, and why would they? It's not like anyone had told them! And have you ever tried to teach 1st and 2nd graders from a textbook? Entirely in English? With ZERO translation? It's impossible! Just not happening. 

So, instead of this easy and relaxing semester, I'm putting up facebook statuses like "Nolen Deibert time to do battle with my afterschool classes that inspire a rage in me so violent I want to throw small children in a lake filled with piranhas >:O" and make me feel like Carmen Maura in "Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown"

This is me. Very soon. A Spanish lady about to go into hysterics.

*A note of clarification. I do not have any real issues with the children. If there were someone to translate, or if we could just play games all day, it'd be just fine. I love the two times a week I go visit the nursery. But sometimes I just can't handle it all.

I cannot believe my students.

This was supposed to be a fun post about my actual birthday celebrations that did not involve Miss Havisham. But I need to get this off my chest just now.

Picture, if you will, a group of students just finishing the second-to-last day of their summer camp. They are excited about their English party tomorrow, where they will get to watch a movie and eat food and just have fun. But they will also have to do some learning! And one of them asks me "Teacher tomorrow workbook?"

And I say "yes" in a kind of sympathetic, I'm-sorry-but-we-have-to tone of voice. And they groan, as kids are wont to do. And I think the matter is settled, glad that someone had the presence to ask about it before they just straight up didn't bring their workbook.

Now flash forward to this morning. I'm at the front of the class, getting ready, writing the schedule for class on the board. The first thing I write is, of course, workbook time - get it out of the way so that we can have fun! Behind me, I hear a gasp. I turn, and see 7 confused faces (in a class of 7). Now I'm a little confused. They know what a workbook is - we've been using it for the last two weeks, for crying out loud! So I ask them to show me their workbooks.

More confused silence.

Now I'm getting frustrated. I ask them where their workbooks are, and one of the students tells me "Teacher workbook home!"

I'm stunned. Every damn one of them, apparently having gone outside their minds, has left their workbook at home.

So now I'm going Breakfast Club on their asses.

Yeah, Molly Ringwold. Yikes.

No movie, no food. They get to sit there and write lines. And I get to continue to be upset about this.

Two things

Two very important things happened to me today. I shall tell you about them...now:

THING THE FIRST

I should have brought in my video camera today. This was too great not to be seen. After the child labor cleaning crew had come through and done their standard mediocre job, about 5 of them decided to hang behind and play with some of the toys in the short bookcases near my desk. While they were playing, one of the pieces fell behind the bookcase, and through amazing teamwork, the four of them (one of the kids was supervising) managed to pull out the bookcase and retrieve the wayward piece. Getting it back would prove to be a more difficult challenge.

"Hana, dul, set!" shouted the supervisor. The four laborers strained to push the case back.

"Hana, dul, set!" came the command again. More straining. No movement.

This continued on for about 10 more minutes, with pauses to conference about the best way to move the bookcase back. Meanwhile, Teacher Nolen sat at his desk snickering.

Finally, I got up, and used my Super Waygook Strength to push the bookcase back. It had gotten stuck on something on the floor. The children were duly impressed (because I am a very impressive individual).

That is one thing! Now on to...

THING THE SECOND

Today I learned that Teri Hatcher got her start on The Love Boat.





Welcome to my blog. Come for the stories, stay for the Teri Hatcher factoids.

Another teaching post! Hooray!

Sorry no pics this time, they refused to move from my camera to the computer. Jerks.

You guys! I was paid a really nice compliment this afternoon by my co-teacher, 뮹주 (Myungju, or Emjee which is her English name). She told me that not only was I doing well, but that I seemed to be a natural at teaching the children. Even the other teachers on the floor were impressed by me. So that was a great little ego boost that I just had to share with you, internet.

And the smallest children I teach are steadily growing into the most adorable little bastards I've ever seen! Class is still mostly a loud playtime for them, but I'm trying to inject some English into the playing so hopefully it will stick. Also, I was taking photos of them so you could see how obscenely cute they are (seriously, I think Asian babies win for "cutest babies in the world"), and they got a hold of my camera. And the results were...well, that's for another post.

In other news, this afternoon I left work early to go back to Suwon to pick up my now-ready Alien Registration Card. Which is basically a green card. It's even green and everything! And after that, I hustled over to a bank to open a bank account cause Shakespeare got to get paid, son. Of course, I had no idea where a bank was in the vicinity of the Suwon Immigration Center, I only knew that I had until 4pm to get to one. I got out of the immigration center at approximately 3:57pm. You know the scene near the end of Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Where Matthew Broderick is trying to beat Jennifer Grey and his father home? It was basically like that, only I had NO IDEA where the heck to go. I was, in essence, running around a few block radius frantically looking for a bank.

BUT I AM FILLED WITH AWESOME, so obviously I found one. And it was only like 10 after 4! Also, it turns out that the banks are open until 4:30. So that all worked out. And now I have a bank account. Which means I can get money from my school, AND I can get a cell phone account and an internet account. I am finally feeling like a real boy!

I have SUCH a good teacher voice

Today, I felt like a real teacher for the first time. The class that just let out, my low-level Continuing English class, has quite the mix of ages and personalities, ranging from 2nd to 6th grade, and they can really get crazy. Today, I had to break up a near fight between two boys because one of them was sitting in the other's seat, AND I had to yell at them to be quiet. I think they got the message from my face and the tone of my voice, because they went dead silent. It was AWESOME. I think this is one of the little secrets of teaching that actual teachers won't tell you - it is REALLY cathartic to yell at the kids when they are acting up.

Yikes that makes me sound mean. Clearly I should not be an elementary teacher. Muahahahahahahahaha.

In other news, it warmed up a little this weekend! But it's cold again now, so...suck. On the upshot, this weekend I went from absolutely zero plans to actually having things to do on both days! On Saturday, I met up with a friend I met at GEPIK Orientation in Songtan, where he teaches, for dinner and boozin' it up. Songtan, incidentally, is where the actual location of Osan AB is, so there are a TON of American servicemen and -women there...it's basically "little America". It's nice to know that there's a vague outpost of America out here, when I need it, but for now I'm comfortable being in the "real" South Korea.

Sunday I (completely randomly) ran into one of the other foreign teachers who lives in Osan when I was on my way to do some grocery shopping, so what started as an hour's or so trip out ended up being the entire afternoon and evening. It's so nice to have company on Sunday afternoons - it helps to stave of the long, dark tea time of the soul. 10 points to whomever picks up that reference.

Looking forward, tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day, and while I don't have huge celebrations planned for tomorrow night, I will be doing a quick lesson in all my classes (4th grade and high-level Continuing English) on the culture of the day abroad. This weekend, though, my recruiting agency is having a party for all the KorVia people teaching in ROK, so I'll be going to that for sure, and then maybe staying in Seoul for the big St. Patrick's Day festivities there. Apparently they light up Namsan tower (the largest building in Seoul) green in honor of the holiday. Not as awesome as dyeing the Chicago River green, but pretty cool nonetheless, no?